It’s my religious duty to hold my wife, when we are in public, by a rope tied around her neck

7 May, 2010

You see, I have converted to the one true religion of Meshugism and I sincerely believe it is my duty to adhere to every written precept of this great movement, and to fight with every fibre of my body any unbeliever who seeks to roll back or interfere with the inevitable completion of our victory over other unworthy religions and over people of no religion. 

For it is written in our Holy Book, revealed to our holy prophet Al-Dawkinsii, that men shall keep women in their appointed place and shall not fail to curtail their corrupting tendencies by appropriate instruments of restraint.  And verse 37 of tract 13 of the Holy Book, as interpreted by our beloved seventeenth century high priest Wuddi-alaan, instructs us to fashion a rope from the finest hemp, and to attach this rope to the neck of a woman before allowing her to be present in a public place, the better to ensure her safety and to enforce on her the standards of decorous behaviour prescribed by our holy religion.

I insist on my right to practice my religion freely, and to treat my woman as the Holy Book prescribes.  I reject all oppression by so-called “liberals” who scandalise our faith by promoting equal standing for women.  I tell you that our women are happy to be subject to the norms of our one true religion, and rejoice in the safety and certainty that it brings to their troubled existence.  I give this warning: non-believers interfere in our right to exercise our religious beliefs at their peril.  Your objections on supposed grounds of “equality” and “civilization” are an offense to all of us who are prepared to make any sacrifice, even the ultimate sacrifice, to secure our religious rights and to ensure the ultimate victory of Meshugism throughout the world.

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