Exclusive: Speed Trap guidelines leaked

30 August, 2009

Your correspondent has covertly obtained secret guidelines issued to members of the Gardaí who are charged with enforcing speed limits on Irish roads.  When asked to comment on these shocking revelations, published here for the first time, the Garda Press Office declined to comment.

  1. Thou shalt not set up speed traps on country roads which are genuinely dangerous, for narrow or winding roads are far too dangerous for the safety of law enforcers, and in any event fewer people will be caught which verily is bad for business.
  2. Thou shalt always set up speed traps on wide, straight roads where motorists will be genuinely surprised at how low the limit is.
  3. Thou shalt not set up speed traps in rain or other inclement weather as this would be far too uncomfortable for guardians of the law – and consider not that  adhering to the limit is likely to be even more important in wet conditions.
  4. Thou shalt ensure that, in the event of a roar-widening or road-straightening project being successfully implemented, local authorities shall thereafter reduce, rather than increase, the speed limit.
  5. Thou shalt set up speed traps immediately after a stretch of motorway comes to an end – so that drivers may have inadequate time to adjust their speed to the much reduced limit.
  6. Thou shalt ensure that local authorities change the speed limits frequently on the same stretch of road for no valid reason – for it shall be deemed a good thing to keep motorists on their toes.
  7. Thou shalt procure that local authorities do not promptly take down temporary reduced speed limit signs after road works are complete, for motorists are an unworthy breed who do not deserve such consideration.
  8. Thou shalt ensure that local authorities don’t waste money in erecting reminder signs about the speed limit at regular intervals – for I say to you that it is good for business if motorists are kept guessing.
  9. Thou shalt deny that the selection of speed trap sites has anything to do with massaging statistics or generating revenue.
  10. Thou shalt moreover deny that the present approach to catching “speeding” motorists is breeding disrespect for the law and its enforcers.

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